I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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