the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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