I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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