Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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