I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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