she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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