My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
