If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
