You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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