this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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