He asked to "fluff my boner.."
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
