How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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