Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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