When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
We smell like vodka and hangover
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
