I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
