oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
