i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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