It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
