your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
