What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
