If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Houston, we have a squirter
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
