it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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