Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
My vagina is very pro this idea
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
