Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
