I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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