I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i just google imaged poop.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize