remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize