a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
