just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
