Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Randomize
