I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
