My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize