I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
