I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
