Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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