What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
