Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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