im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Randomize
