Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
