Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
