i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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