I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
