Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm getting married
To pizza
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
