I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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