I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
