I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
