you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
