I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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