Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
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