I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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