How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
