Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
