I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
