i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
