Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize