Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Randomize