Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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