I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize